Most parents say, “Man, I can’t believe you are already a month old!” but I am sitting here feeling like, “Man, it’s only been a month? I feel like you have been a part of our life forever!” I mean, yes, October 9 feels like yesterday, but I also cannot imagine my life without this little honey. My world changed in an instant, and I am the better for it!
This month has been the most amazing month of my life in so many ways. Our birth experience was incredible. I am happy to share details with those who ask, and I will spare details from the rest. I will only say that no one is lying when they say birth is the most disgusting, painful, beautiful, and amazing experience in all of life. It truly is.
And then you get to take home this whole human who is going to turn your world upside down and help you learn things you could never imagine. I am learning that God is more amazing than I ever knew. When you hold this little creation in your arms and think about the little clump of cells that she started out as to now have these perfect little fingers, ears, mouth, and nose, you really cannot help but be in awe of what God has done.
My eyes have also been opened to what total, complete dependence looks like. Holy cow … this little thing is 100% dependent on me to live and thrive. She loves her dad (see picture above), but in terms of physical dependence, it is pretty much all on me at the moment. Now, a few words on breastfeeding. I love nursing my little girl. But if all goes well with nursing, it is draining and overwhelming. And then when things aren’t going well, it is that much more draining and overwhelming! I wish there was a bit more honesty out there with just how difficult nursing can be for so many women. We are having some difficulties with it, and I struggle with feelings of shame, guilt, sadness, frustration (which doesn’t help with milk production!) as I strive to provide this sustenance for my girl. But in the midst of this struggle, I am learning that my little girl’s example of dependence is exactly what I am supposed to be following when it comes to Jesus. He asks for my complete dependence and surrender to Him with my life, just as she is dependent on me right now. I even need to be dependent on Him for helping my body do what it needs to. This is a lifelong lesson, I know, and I’m having to learn it quite acutely right now.
In the midst of it all, one of the greatest lessons of this past month has been the amount of love I never knew I could feel. My love for my husband and Hattie’s daddy has exploded in a way that I didn’t realize it could. Watching my husband become a father has been one of the greatest joys in my life. I’ll avoid the mushy-gushy, but, man, I am so grateful to have him as my partner in life. And then there is this girl. This love is almost not even an emotion; it is more of an instinct. This girl is a part of me, flesh of my flesh, and my whole body, my whole being, loves every bit of her. It is a love I’ve never known before. And the most amazing part of it is that I know this is a mere glimpse of God’s love for us. We are made in His image, He created us with delicacy and care, and if my heart loves Hattie this much, I can’t even fathom our Father’s love for us. Truly amazing.
We love you, Hattie Joy. Even when you go all crazy-eyes on us!