*Disclaimer: This was written a few weeks ago, and the next day we hit the worst sleep regression yet. It’s been terrible (and thankfully, slowly improving). So, while I’m not feeling as quite as sappy in the midst of my sleep deprivation, this still is pretty much the current state of my heart.
I’m going to have two kids. Woah.
For the first time this past weekend, I sat with our toddler-baby and started to get emotional about the fact that she will no longer be my only little one at home. We have such a nice routine together. I get to enjoy every little thing about her – soaking in and savoring every new word that she attempts, every new endeavor she wants to learn, all her hugs and snuggles whenever she wants to dole them out. I try to not let my whole day revolve around her wants, but right now, I can. I can choose to save an errand or a house task for later when she is just having too much fun playing a certain game and I’m having too much fun watching her. I can choose to let her make a mess because she’s only one kid and the mess is fairly contained and easy to clean up. I can choose to put aside most things, because “most things” just aren’t that important right now. It’s not like there is another little life depending on me to do anything else. We are in this precious sweet spot that I am quickly realizing is going to come an end in just a few short months.
And, no, daily life is not heavenly bliss. We are still plagued by super early mornings. Every “new” thing is really just a hilarious indicator that we have a toddler who is growing up, growing more independent, growing opinionated. So, tantrums. And “mine” (which also means “no”) about a hundred times a day. And every other ridiculous toddler stereotype.
But the bliss comes with the fact that I am only dealing with this one. My mind is just now starting to try and wrap around the fact that I will be doing all of this with a newborn. That I will have to deal with this new stage of toddlerhood and figure out how to actually parent this girl (not just keep her alive) with a newborn whose physical needs are pretty constant. And I also have to try to learn to how enjoy and savor all the things that I love and adore about my toddler-baby while loving and adoring a brand new baby.
I can’t wait to see my heart grow and expand beyond what I currently know in order to love this second babe. I know my life is going to be so much more full of love than I can even imagine. I can’t wait for all the feels.
But I can. I can wait. So that I can eat up every last bit of my time with my first. Because no other baby will get all of me like this. No other baby will get to monopolize my mama heart. And I won’t get to selfishly spend all of my time delighting in my one and only baby.
So, reality check. I will look forward to the explosion of love that will enter our world in a few months. But I will also be sad and overwhelmed and feel everything I’m feeling right now. And I will soak up every (enjoyable) moment with my little, growing girl. (I’ll still be annoyed and tired and frustrated by all of the other toddler moments.)